BIG PRACTICES FOR BIG DECISIONS.

Decisions. You’re probably making 3-4 in the next hour. And you’re probably deliberating 1-3 big ones in life right now. It’s scary, it really is. So often, big decisions feel like being blindfolded, spun around in circles, thrown in the ocean, and told to swim to the island of safety. Right? And I mean what happens when we don’t make the right decisions? Isn’t that points against the final score of life? Aren’t we doomed to a lower quality of life? 

I used to feel this way about major decisions. I talked my way in circles, and the closest thing I had to a “process” was flipping a coin. Forreal. And the truth is, nobody makes it very far in life without coming to a crossroads, and then another, and then another. And if all we’ve got is “our gut” and a coin to flip, we’re going to hurt a lot of people, live in a constant state of confusion, or at least without the ability to throw our “yes” into the decisions we’ve made in our life. We need some help, or at least I did. So I consulted a Jesuit. And what he said changed my life.

In case you didn’t know (I didn’t know), the Jesuits are known for their decision-making process. It’s part of their DNA, their ability to make hard decisions well. And they got it down to a really helpful framework that I hope brings you some clarity in your life and, if nothing else, some peace.

It’s important to start by saying that St. Ignatius of Loyola, the founder of the Jesuit order, believed that our desires, the ones deep deep down in us, are the primary way God communicates to us. Ignatius believed that something deep in all of us wants, and that deep something is a sort of compass to our life. The problem is, that deep compass is often covered up by a thousand other things inside of us, be it pride, performance, fear, unforgiveness, loneliness, or anything else that makes it hard to know what we want. On the other hand, sometimes it feels like we want too much. You ever had a tough decision between two really good options? Of course, you have. The Ignatian model for decision-making is about helping us lay aside all of the things that get in the way of this question: what do I want? So let’s unpack some of it: decision-making tools from the Jesuit order.

The first thing any Jesuit will talk about when you ask about decision-making is the idea of indifference. Indifference here doesn’t mean we don’t care what happens, but rather we’re not coming to the decision table with a preconceived idea of what decision we’ll make. Here are a few things that rob us of indifference: pressure from friends/family to make a certain decision, financial stress of a certain decision, and social stigmas attached to a certain decision. The idea of indifference is to come to a place where none of these things are speaking to you about your decision. The scales are balanced. The game is fair. The choice is yours.

The next thing a Jesuit will probably tell you is that no decision should ever be made in desperation. As humans, we are really really bad at thinking clearly when we feel desperate. When was the last time you went to the grocery store mega hungry? Did it go well? No, no it didn’t, you broke the budget and now you’ve got a bag of chips made out of beans or something that you’re never going to eat but they looked good.

The next important step in this process is to invite God into your decision. Ask for the ability to see, to hold indifference well, and to come to the best decision. If you’re not used to “talking to God” or if you just don’t want to, that’s ok. I believe the Being at the center of the universe is close to you and is with you in your decisions, and this step is just an effort to see that, and to feel peace from that.

Ok, so let’s talk about a couple of actual practices. There are two straight from the Jesuits that have helped me loads. In all of these, your job is to pay attention to what’s happening inside of you. Notice how you feel as you go through the process. Do you feel safe and warm? Notice it. Do you feel anxious and afraid? Notice it. Do you feel excited and ready to jump out of a window to get started? Sounds cool, but at least notice it. These are the things we’re going to listen to close as we make our decisions.

The first exercise I want to talk about is simple a Pro’s and Con’s list. I mean I could call it a hundred different more sexy names but honestly, that’s all it is. Take each possible choice (usually narrowed down to 2-3), and write out what is a positive for this choice, and what’s a negative for this choice. I know it sounds obvious, but it’s so useful. Truly, how often do we take the time to write out on paper the good and bad of bigger decisions? I don’t usually. It helps us decide what’s important to us, and makes us really sit still with the decision instead of gazing off while driving and hoping revelation will hit us. But probably the biggest reason I’d recommend this practice is to show you this: every decision is imperfect. When you make a Pro’s and Con’s list, you are forced to acknowledge and reckon with the truth that all choices have Con’s. My mom once told me, “Ham, all change is grief.” I hated hearing that, but I’m feeling its truth. You’re not going to make one choice that is perfect and doesn’t cost you something somewhere, and it’s good to recognize that in your decision-making process. That way, 6-months down the road when you’re daydreaming about the other choice you “should’ve made because it would’ve been perfect”, you can remember all of the things that decision would’ve cost you, things you got to keep because of the choice you made. A Pro’s and Con’s list liberates us from the lie that we are in search of perfect decisions because they simply don’t exist.

The second and equally powerful practice I want to share is the idea of “pretending to make a decision.” This is exactly what it sounds like. Take 2 days and pretend you’ve chosen option A. It’s like trying out a new set of clothes, but with a decision. Observe your emotions and thoughts in those 2 days. Do you feel relieved by the decision you made? Do you feel anxious? How does it feel? And then after 2 days, swap. Pretend to choose option B. How’s it feel? Don’t even compare its feelings to option A yet, just notice how it makes you feel all on its own. Do you feel lighter? Do you get anxious in the quiet? Are you reaching for vices? Don’t judge these things, but take stock. Be aware. Then after you’ve done this with your 2-3 options, compare. If one of these decisions lets you feel lighter, kinder, and overall fit better, listen to that. You are free to make that decision. (Also worth mentioning: do this practice as secretly as possible, you don’t want to give your friends emotional whiplash.)

All of this is simply to help you feel powerful. You are not a victim to the decisions in your life, you are the one with the choice. Simply knowing about these practices has made me feel better in my big life decisions, and I hope the same reigns true for you. These practices bring clarity about what we want in life.

But here’s where I need to be very honest with you: even with these practices, you and I will almost never be able to walk into these decisions with certainty. We simply don’t know everything, and time and chance happen to us all. The point is not certainty, the point is confidence. These practices offer just that: not certainty, but confidence. The point is not to have the “right” answer, but to fully give yourself to some answer, to throw your weight behind it. A “hell yes” or a “hell no”. And these practices are the ballast your ship needs to be confident in uncertain waters.

And even beyond this, I, personally, must constantly choose confidence in God’s Love over certainty in my decisions. I must choose to believe that though I make decisions to the best of my ability, I am ultimately held in the presence of Love itself, and as Thomas Merton once wrote in a prayer, “You will never leave me to face my perils alone.”