A NARCISSISM CURE
Narcissism is the worst. I know, I’ve been a narcissist. Sometimes I still am one. Narcissism, as I’m going to use it in the next few words, is more than a focus on self, although that’s part of it. It’s also an unapologetic praise of self, a belief that oneself is inherently better than the rest of everyone around them, and the world would be better if everyone was a little more like them. They’re quick to show off their strengths, but slow to acknowledge their weakness.
This comes from a few places, but the most compelling thing I’ve found is that a narcissist is deeply insecure. At some point in their life, they learned to believe that weakness was undesirable, and needed to be eradicated in order to be accepted by people. And like the rest of us, all a narcissist really wants is to be accepted. So with this belief system, self-failure and weakness become things to be avoided at all costs, yet still looked for in the lives of other people. Likewise, strength and success become a scarce resource worth hoarding in the self, and neglecting in others. The narcissist believes that there is not an infinite amount of success, and the success of others jeopardize their own efforts at success. A narcissist will do things that make them look strong while avoiding all the things that make them look weak.
What a narcissist needs—what I need in my narcissistic moments—is not to be “humbled” by other people pointing out their weakness in anger. Remember, this is all a facade based off of insecurities. And insecurities are not defeated by harsh exposure, they’re defeated by compassion, by acceptance. Narcissism finds its cure when the people in a narcissist’s life remind them that weakness is not a deterrent to their ability to be loved. Their weakness is not too scary, and is completely allowed to be seen.
Our tendency when a narcissist fails is to gloat it over them, to show them that their failure is a sign that they’re not perfect, but that’s actually so unhelpful. What this communicates is that failure and weakness are just as they suspected: a liability. Unwelcome. Unlovable. But that just can’t be what failure is, otherwise we’re all screwed. Instead, when the self-aggrandizing people we love (including ourselves) fail, we need to meet that failure with compassion.
When someone’s failure is met with compassion, they see that nothing has changed. This is normal. This is ok. This is allowed. This, while it may be behavior we need to grow past, is not a value statement about them.
I don’t know if you know anyone with narcissistic tendencies, but if you do, I’d encourage you to avoid the temptations to hold their failure over them, thinking that’s what will sober them up. What they need to hear is that you fail too, and that you think their weakness is not something to be afraid of, but rather something to accept as a normal part of being a human.